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Wick
Adept Poster
Joined: 22 Aug 2005
Posts: 64
Location: UK England
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 Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2005 12:43 pm Post subject: A short poem |
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Here is a short poem i wrote for an english essay
Everyday
Everyday I live at night
Everyday I dream of light
Everyday I live alone
Everyday I feel unknown
Everyday I live in fear
Everyday I shed a tear
Everyday I live in hate
Everyday I dream of fate
Everyday I live in hope
Everyday I try to cope
Everyday…
I wish I was never born
please tell me what you think?
p.s the first poem i ever composed not including the set theme ones you get as class work |
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ambumann
Lifeless Medic
Joined: 15 Feb 2005
Posts: 994
Location: Trondheim, Norway
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| Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 3:06 am Post subject: |
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I liked your poem, though I found it very sad. I really hope this isn't an expression on how you feel everyday..
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Phantom
Novice Poster
Joined: 11 Sep 2005
Posts: 35
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| Posted: Mon Sep 12, 2005 8:52 am Post subject: |
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It is a nice poem but it is so sad...I just don't like that there is Everyday in every line. But this is only my personal opinion because don't like so much repeating in poems. You can try to write more positive poem too  |
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Pie32
Not Banned
Joined: 17 Mar 2005
Posts: 1443
Location: Lost in 84
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| Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 7:43 pm Post subject: |
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I think it's really good. The word 'everyday' starting off every line was fine with me. The only thing I didn't really like about it was the very last line. I just didn't feel that it fit with the rest of the poem.
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katharsys
Banned
Joined: 26 Oct 2005
Posts: 70
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| Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 3:45 am Post subject: |
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| nice poem. try to write for yorself, not for school. that's where poetry comes from: from the heart. post some more if you feel like writing. i am working on a website that will be hosted by lifeless people. and there will be lots of poetry. maybe we'll keep in touch. |
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oasis
Adept Poster
Joined: 19 Oct 2005
Posts: 67
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| Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 10:30 am Post subject: |
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Dude... t's really good for your first poem ever composed... but it's soundin' a bit like you're trapped in the darkness and you're hoping for fate to pull you into the light.
I used to write things like that... and it's not healthy for you. (Just sayin'.) Your rhyming is pretty good though.
A tip (from the unpro): Instead of going in this rythm:
A
A
B
B
C
C
D
D
Try going like this:
A
B
A
B
C
D
C
D
---
EX using your poem:
Everyday I live at night
Everyday I live alone
Everyday I dream of light
Everyday I feel unknown
Everyday I live in fear
Everyday I live in hate
Everyday I shed a tear
Everyday I dream of fate
---
Also, don't be afraid to try not rhyming. Poetry is usually a lot better when it rhymes, but don't sacrifice the poem to make it rhyme. Like, don't rhym if it doesn't make sense. Not that you did that; it's just something people do a lot that really kills their poem.
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inets
Novice Poster
Joined: 04 Nov 2003
Posts: 14
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| Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 12:58 pm Post subject: Re: A short poem |
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| Wick wrote: | Here is a short poem i wrote for an english essay
Everyday
Everyday I live at night
Everyday I dream of light
Everyday I live alone
Everyday I feel unknown
Everyday I live in fear
Everyday I shed a tear
Everyday I live in hate
Everyday I dream of fate
Everyday I live in hope
Everyday I try to cope
Everyday…
I wish I was never born
please tell me what you think?
p.s the first poem i ever composed not including the set theme ones you get as class work |
I think you are from china,most chinese poem are writen like this |
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oasis
Adept Poster
Joined: 19 Oct 2005
Posts: 67
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| Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 9:05 pm Post subject: Re: A short poem |
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| inets wrote: | | Wick wrote: | Here is a short poem i wrote for an english essay
Everyday
Everyday I live at night
Everyday I dream of light
Everyday I live alone
Everyday I feel unknown
Everyday I live in fear
Everyday I shed a tear
Everyday I live in hate
Everyday I dream of fate
Everyday I live in hope
Everyday I try to cope
Everyday…
I wish I was never born
please tell me what you think?
p.s the first poem i ever composed not including the set theme ones you get as class work |
I think you are from china,most chinese poem are writen like this |
Dude, that's on the verge on bein' racist (since, if it was a joke, it wasn't funny). I wrote poems like that when I started out... it's just the simplest way to write poems (rhymnA, rhymnA, rhymnB, rhymnB, etc).
If you're talkin' about the content, then the same goes with that. I wrote lyrics like those when I began (though I was in a bit of a dump when I started writing poetry... but a lot of people are). Poetry's a good way to let out emotions, that's why a lot of depressed people write poetry... but also, a lot of people write happy poetry when they begin writing. Just saying, it's not just chinamen who write like that.
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