An article or two

[LP-Harvey]

Some of you already know I write for a fairly popular collegite newspaper. Came up with an idea after a "recent" event. The idea was funny at first, but I think I kinda lost it. What do you think?

Note: There are two articles.

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Curse O’ Les Sox, Teams Scramble to Catch Up with the Soxes
As curses of the Bambino and Black Sox fade away into history, old teams seek for new hope in breaking their own curses

Chicago, Illinois – As the members of the Chicago White Sox rode in open top convertibles for a ticker tape parade down urban streets in Chicago celebrating their World Series win, baseball historians marked the day as another curse broken in Major League Baseball (MLB).

Much like their predecessors, the White Sox redeemed themselves for a black mark on their storied team history. For the Boston Red Sox, their mark was the trade of perhaps the greatest player to pickup a bat that haunted their team for centuries. This was a trade that sent Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees for a couple hundred dollars and the circus. For the White Sox, their curse was implicated after several players in the mid-forties traded the World Series to the Chicago Mafia for money and future considerations.

But with consecutive World Series victories by both of these teams, other teams in the majors can’t help but wonder which curse will be broken next.

“Some people say duh-duh-duh-the Cleveland Indians are due for a good run,” mentioned former Chicago Cubs color commentator Harry Carry from beyond the grave by way of a Polish gypsy ghost channeler by satellite phone to John Stewart in a freaky interview recorded on to tape and played back to this reporter for the Maryland Cow Nipple, “The Indians haven’t won the b-b-b-big one in forty-eight some odd years! But I’ll tell you what, don’t count out those Cubs. WOW-WIE! Ninety-seven years since they won one for the gipper. Take that you billy goat you, two major curses down, one to go.”

The Cubs may be the next notable major baseball team with a “curse” still without a World Series victory, but for its curse to be broken the Cubs ownership must truly understand the power of the “Billy Goat Sianas” curse. Legend has that until the Cubs move from Wrigley Field, the ghost of Sianas and his goat will haunt the Cubs and prevent them from even hosting a World Series.

“While the Red Sox’s and White Sox’s respective curses were due to incompetence and Italian charm, the Cubs curse is due to the ejection of a man and his goat,” explained a drunken homeless man on the corner of Campus Blvd and Route 1, “That man was Billy Sianas and he stole muh goat. He gone took muh goat and took ‘er to that Cubs game. I ne’er see muh goat again ‘fter that.”

Despite the constant debating whether the Cubs will break, management for other teams in the league have a different philosophy.

“Its clear that it is all about the Sox. The last two years have been Red Sox-White Sox. So in accordance by the powers invest in the Orioles by the MLB, Peter Angelos, and the City of Baltimore, the organization is now committing all of its resources to the power of the sock,” explained Baltimore Orioles Vice President of Baseball Operations Mike Flanagian right before he pulled a giant drop cloth off a brand new “Baltimore Orioles Sox” logo.

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President Stuns Congress With Snuffulufugus Judicial Nomination
More favored candidates of Kermit, Gonzo, and Bert and/or Ernie passed over for hairy elephant

Washington, D.C. - In a press conference from the Presidential Rose Garden, President Bush stood before the press corp announcing the withdrawal of his Harriet Miers nomination to the Supreme Court in favor of a new nominee, citing poor foresight on behalf of the White House.

“It is with a heavy heart that I withdrawal Ms. Miers bid,” recalled the President, “But I am happy to announce a new bid in favor of a man that is well liked by the American people, the House, the Senate, and nationals abroad. He has had many many years of judicial experience, settling arguments with Big Bird and Grouch, teaching the youth how to share, and advising adults what to do in tough situations. Please allow me to introduce Snuffulufomus.”

Snuffulufugus attended the announcement of his nomination at the Rose Garden along with his wife of 17 years Clementine, and their two children Wallace and Grommet.

“Its a great day for the Bush Administration and the American people,” proclaimed Virginia Senator John Warner (R) at a Republican National Fund raiser, “Not only has the President nominated a good man for the Supreme Court, he has hired a moral man. Never mind his qualifications, Snuggleofogus doesn't have a bad bone in his body.”

While the Snuffulufugus nomination has made moderates on both sides of the political isle happy, many hardliners right and left alike fret at the nomination.

One worrisome characteristic of Snuffulufugus that has liberals up in arms is his stance of geopolitical processes, especially in regards to dealing with a troubled minority population. What has liberals up in arms were his specific comments at a United Nations sponsored assembly, where Snuffulufugus was quoted saying, “Maybe we'll all be better off if all the minorities of each country were just horded up into one place, shot, and buried into a pit.”

Conservatives are not too happy with the nominee's pro-choice stance of, “Asian babies are better suited to be microwaved.”

Despite some troubling marks on his record, political pundits are all but certain that Snuffulufugus will get the nod from the Senate Judicial Committee and the needed number of Senate votes to be confirmed.

New Fox News correspondent The Count, told the Maryland Cow Nipple in an exclusive interview, “Blah! I have no doubt in my very mind that Smofoupigus will get an up or down vote. BLAH! I predict he will get one, two, three, ...[continues to count]..., sixty-eight of the one hundred votes! That's right! Sixty-eight. One, two, three, ...[continues to count, again]..., sixty-eight!”