Another Satirical Article

[LP-Harvey]

Warning: If you worry about political correctness, or if you do not take easy to "worldly satire," you may not want to read these. Otherwise, pull up a chair and feel free to C&C!

As some of you know, I write satire for a print newspaper. Here's an article I plan on submitting to my editor pretty soon. I need to clean it up a bit (as in, smooth the rough edges, not necessarily change it). Any suggestions?

Peaceful Stone Fight Goes Horribly Awry
As many as three hundred Islamic pilgrims die from being throttled to death by thousands of thrown stones after failing to protect stone fort

Mina, Saudi Arabia – Thousands of Islamic pilgrims lined up for miles converged on Saudi Arabia over the last few weeks, for the annual Islamic pilgrimage to Mecca. Lined up from Arafat to Muzdalifah, the journeyers gathered at the small town of Mina to participate in the centuries old ritual of symbolic stoning of the sinners.

With the pilgrims tired, thirsty, and filled with angst, Saudi state police struggled to keep control of the massive throbbing mobs as clerics instructed the travelers to throw apple sized rocks at mock dummies of pop-culture sinners ranging from United States President George W. Bush to University of Maryland President C. Daniel Mote.

As the throng of people became irritated of waiting and started to push forward, Saudi police quickly searched for a way to calm the crowd. Learning from their American counterparts, at the 2005 International Bumbling Police Convention held in Paris, the Saudis played soothing music over gigantic loudspeakers. While this quelled the crowd for quite some time, all hell broke loose as the popular 80’s Wham! tune, “Wake Me Up Before You Go-go” was played.

“It seemed like innocent fun at first,” recalled Admir Ackar, worshipper from Qutar, “I mean, at first when my buddy Steve got clocked in the head with a rock, I thought it was funny. So I picked up a rock and threw it at an unsuspecting person, who in turn picked up a rock of his own and threw it at the guy to the left of me.”

Jitterbug.

Quickly the throngs of pilgrims broke up into three factions, each throwing rocks and stones of various sorts at each other from their respective sides. One group, who named themselves “Allah’s Red Lightning,” quickly starting collecting rocks to build a fort from which they could pick off unsuspecting sinners from. In accordance to Islamic law, the men forced their wives and young daughters to build the fort for them, killing and maiming 73 in the process.

Wake me up, before you go-go.

Laughing and prancing along was Kuwaiti cleric Obama Barrack, “We tried eliminating those Red Lightning infidels while they were building up their defenses, but our Abdullah’s Bombers are being picked off from behind by that bastard Arafat’s Little Rockets children. Every time we’d throw a stone back, they’d run away to their mommies. F-ck-ng p-ss--s.”

Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo.

Before the day was done, conservative estimates held the total death toll at 345. While Western media outlets contribute these deaths to an unrelated stampede that occurred at a local McDonalds after a BigAndTasty incident where the BigAndTasty proved to be anything but BigAndTasty, Muslims in the Arabic world have yet to complain about the Western coverage.

“Honestly,” advocated Mohammed Al Morocco, Professor of Muslim Studies at American University, “The Lightning and Bombers lost to the f-ck-ng Rockets. How pathetic is that? The entire Muslim world is ashamed of what happened there; of course they’re not going to complain if Westerners call it a stampede.”