| Author |
Message |
arrha
Experienced Poster
Joined: 28 Apr 2005
Posts: 57
Location: Metro Manila, Philippines
|
 Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 5:42 am Post subject: Poem - Vampire (Critique please...) |
 |
|
Here's a poem, I wrote while I was brooding away in my Humanities class. It was targeted towards a friend, of whom I was fighting with back then... This friend, was actually a past crush of mine. She never knew (I never told her) But I was mad at myself for not having the guts to at least open up:
| Quote: |
In this hall of shallow remorse I live
Feeding on your anger, Living on your pain
Gathering all your greed
Your soul is lost in possession,
In the shadows is where it is stash.
In those painful memories, I remember
The innocence that I have lost
Hate me with all that you are...
So I could hate you with equal fury
I am in anger, I live in hate...
I am the evil thrown in haste.
Call out my name,
It's an illusion as it spells...
It is black as I loomed over,
My soul is out and blank
Can't you see, I'm lost forever?
I will give you precious immortality
Just show me that you need me
The crystal, clear vile of your blood is in my hands
I'll drink yours, you drink mine...
COME, JOIN ME IN THE DARK. |
It's a little freaky... in a morbid sort of way. Pardon the language, it's just the way I write when I'm sad or angry. Comments please!
_________________
schiz·o·phre·ni·a: Detached from Realia. |
|
| Back to top |
|
| |
pharmer4
Metallica Fanatic
Joined: 16 Aug 2005
Posts: 1886
Location: Deniliquin, Australia
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 6:44 am Post subject: |
|
|
hey aarha, no one has responded in 10 days!
i thought is was well done, and i don't mind the morbid-ness, but you may need to address your feelings to this girl.
Also, don't let hew know this is about her, it may not be taken very well!
There are a few spelling mistakes, but this is a superficial problem
The verse construction is well done, it does not run over too long, flows well (although there are also grammar problems, but again, this is superficial), and you don't resort to the boring use of rhyming couplets etc!
well done. good job
_________________
For Metal and Rock interviews and reviews, go to www.heavymetalnation.com - You can Contribute too if you want!
[img:d85b591d6d]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v400/pharmer4/pharmer4.jpg[/img:d85b591d6d]
 |
|
| Back to top |
|
| |
|
|
|
Forum FAQs 
Knowledge Base 
Memberlist 
Usergroups 
Hosting
Register
Donate 
Profile 
Log in 
