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Upside down Umbrellas... (poem)

 
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prownced
glitter


Joined: 18 Mar 2005
Posts: 576
Location: over the rainbow

PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 5:07 pm    Post subject: Upside down Umbrellas... (poem) Reply with quote

Upside down Umbrellas house Rainbows

Carry an umbrella upside down
to catch your tears
Sing a lullaby to the rain
when the sky clears
Mend a dress in reverse
with a set of shears
Snuff a candle backwards
to ease your fears
Hide your colors proudly
to cover the smears
Forget there is no one way
to spend your years
And leave the umbrella
to catch your tears
.
.
.

Opinions are really appreciated, since I'm hoping to illustrate this and use it in a portfolio. (It looks much better and seems more sensical when it's centered though...)

Written for my Writer's Craft class.
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WhiteRabbit1313
Grandmaster Poster


Joined: 26 Aug 2006
Posts: 252
Location: Sylvania, OH

PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2007 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great expression. It goes along smoothly, and it rhymes sensibly. I absolutely love how you repeat the umbrella to catch your tears part. Good work. I'm impressed.
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cybermandu
Banned


Joined: 25 Feb 2007
Posts: 35


PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 4:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

quite good.
I liked it.
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thunderboltz
Hear the thunder!


Joined: 21 Apr 2005
Posts: 1809


PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 8:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, the part about having umbrellas to catch your tears really entertains. Its a fantastic composition. Good job. Would like to see it in its complete state (that is, with a few more stanzas).
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LiVinG iN a DemOcraTicalLy eleCtEd CoMmunIsT stAtE
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Neil
Lifeless Indian


Joined: 18 Feb 2005
Posts: 2981


PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 2:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It really does flow. The concept is creative and it gives the reader something to think about while he/she reads. Nice job.
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prownced
glitter


Joined: 18 Mar 2005
Posts: 576
Location: over the rainbow

PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2007 8:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks guys, your comments are much appreciated! ^_^

And as for seeing it in a completed state, this was the length I intended it to be, so I highly doubt there will be anything else added, (unless I'm struck by some random inspiration, heh.)
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